Sometimes I feel like I am in this epic battle. Feelings of Love VS. Feelings of Fear. Harry Potter style Chess Game.
Coming into my feelings recently, I am overwhelmed by the power of them. I was on the kitchen floor in a puddle of tears this one afternoon this weekend. Then an hour later I am in deep belly laughter. Going to bed that night it was a serenity like no other I have experienced before. From feeling nothing but anger and judgement and tiredness to this flood of emotional light..... Wowza!
What does coming into my feelings mean, exactly? I am thawing from my emotionally frozen state. What a mess of a puddle that is making on my kitchen floor! I read a post today that was fabulous with explaining to me what it meant to come out of the freeze. http://self-love-u.blogspot.ca/2013/09/healing-frozen-feelings.html
My search for this post was sparked by another post about Anger and the relevance of this emotion. So
Deep in thought again.... as always. I am wondering if my anger state was not entirely about being frozen and choosing not to experience a broad range of feelings, as it was a trap in the Epic battle between the Dark fear based feelings and light love stemming feelings.
Coming into my feelings recently, I am overwhelmed by the power of them. I was on the kitchen floor in a puddle of tears this one afternoon this weekend. Then an hour later I am in deep belly laughter. Going to bed that night it was a serenity like no other I have experienced before. From feeling nothing but anger and judgement and tiredness to this flood of emotional light..... Wowza!
What does coming into my feelings mean, exactly? I am thawing from my emotionally frozen state. What a mess of a puddle that is making on my kitchen floor! I read a post today that was fabulous with explaining to me what it meant to come out of the freeze. http://self-love-u.blogspot.ca/2013/09/healing-frozen-feelings.html
My search for this post was sparked by another post about Anger and the relevance of this emotion. So
Deep in thought again.... as always. I am wondering if my anger state was not entirely about being frozen and choosing not to experience a broad range of feelings, as it was a trap in the Epic battle between the Dark fear based feelings and light love stemming feelings.
When my thoughts are negative, self loathing or not of my highest power.... then my feelings tend to match the thought vibration and close up tight like my mind has. When ever I open my mind, my feelings rush into the open valve as well. Flooding the stadium in brilliance.
Now that I am open again. I feel like it is taking some real work to keep my feelings positive. I feel so much love and gratitude and happiness. I feel sadness and hurt and sorrow. Deep releasing sorrow. These are all freeing emotions and I love the state they put me in. I am connected again. I am at peace again. I am in Love with myself again! Why cant I seem to hold this?? Why does it seem so flitting, like a butterfly just coming for a nice little flutter in my direction, and then off again it goes, touching someone else with a rush of feelings?
Something happens to come along and knock my happy little balance off and I am zinging right back into a place of self loathing and questioning my every move. Its that fast to slip back into a closed mind. At least that's what it feels like in the moment. Because like all my feelings it feels really big to me. It feels like fear is just lurking behind me waiting to shut my happy up.
I know once aware and open it takes time to erode yourself back to a closed place again. I have learned this through experience. what is new for me today is the intensity of the feelings rushing towards me.
Now that I am open again. I feel like it is taking some real work to keep my feelings positive. I feel so much love and gratitude and happiness. I feel sadness and hurt and sorrow. Deep releasing sorrow. These are all freeing emotions and I love the state they put me in. I am connected again. I am at peace again. I am in Love with myself again! Why cant I seem to hold this?? Why does it seem so flitting, like a butterfly just coming for a nice little flutter in my direction, and then off again it goes, touching someone else with a rush of feelings?
Something happens to come along and knock my happy little balance off and I am zinging right back into a place of self loathing and questioning my every move. Its that fast to slip back into a closed mind. At least that's what it feels like in the moment. Because like all my feelings it feels really big to me. It feels like fear is just lurking behind me waiting to shut my happy up.
I know once aware and open it takes time to erode yourself back to a closed place again. I have learned this through experience. what is new for me today is the intensity of the feelings rushing towards me.
My heart physically hurts at moment. My stomach really does want to throw its contents up. But whats even more new then those responses, as I have experienced them on a smaller scale before in one of my previous peaks through the door... whats more, is the sorrow I feel. Like a deep deep releasing of all these tears and heart aches. Like this massive wave of soul cleansing.
I am running through so many of my past heart aches. I am feeling them in a new way. With so much gratitude for what they taught me, but not before letting myself feel the pain of the hurt. I am actually enjoying the feeling of pain right now. How odd is that?
I know its coming up to be released. and the minute I let it go..... the flood of love is incredible. Like I am talking moving mountain kinda feelings exploding in my heart center right now. Sorrow feels beautiful.
Today I found myself in a situation that reminded me of some pretty scary stuff. I had to walk through the situation with a courage I really didn't have. Still don't but knew it was what needed to be done. I have had no major release of this situations feelings and honestly, I think that's where the fear is rising up from.
This is the Epic battle for me. Staying present, in all the feelings and situations.
Learning that not everything is instant gratification. Learning that all feelings have their place in my experience. Knowing that I have a choice on how to manage them and how long to hold on to them. Through this I can maybe learn what my feelings are telling me what. What feelings are my natural brain wiring and need discipline to rewire and what feelings are the ones I need to walk through in a current life situation, even though I know the end result might end in pain, or the pain is now and I have to walk through a bit more before I can have the option to release.
I do know that I am no longer wishing to deny myself happiness in pursuit of some higher Gospel. It is only through my happiness that can I reach that place where my Goddess resides. I am not sure how I will keep myself in this place of light this time but I am gonna sure stay present and aware to catch it before I am sitting on the devils lap again.
I am running through so many of my past heart aches. I am feeling them in a new way. With so much gratitude for what they taught me, but not before letting myself feel the pain of the hurt. I am actually enjoying the feeling of pain right now. How odd is that?
I know its coming up to be released. and the minute I let it go..... the flood of love is incredible. Like I am talking moving mountain kinda feelings exploding in my heart center right now. Sorrow feels beautiful.
Today I found myself in a situation that reminded me of some pretty scary stuff. I had to walk through the situation with a courage I really didn't have. Still don't but knew it was what needed to be done. I have had no major release of this situations feelings and honestly, I think that's where the fear is rising up from.
This is the Epic battle for me. Staying present, in all the feelings and situations.
Learning that not everything is instant gratification. Learning that all feelings have their place in my experience. Knowing that I have a choice on how to manage them and how long to hold on to them. Through this I can maybe learn what my feelings are telling me what. What feelings are my natural brain wiring and need discipline to rewire and what feelings are the ones I need to walk through in a current life situation, even though I know the end result might end in pain, or the pain is now and I have to walk through a bit more before I can have the option to release.
I do know that I am no longer wishing to deny myself happiness in pursuit of some higher Gospel. It is only through my happiness that can I reach that place where my Goddess resides. I am not sure how I will keep myself in this place of light this time but I am gonna sure stay present and aware to catch it before I am sitting on the devils lap again.